The Roots of Perfectionism
Do you identify yourself as a perfectionist? What does that mean to you?
The often-used definition of a perfectionist is the “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection”. Well, this then brings forth the next question, “what is perfection"? Perfection is often defined as “being free from all flaws and defects”. Hmmmmm…..does that sound possible? Is this something that you can actually obtain?
Common sense likely says no, right?
But does that still sound like what you expect from yourself? That all things in your life are free from flaws and defects?
Well, who the heck decides what a “flaw” or “defect” is anyway? And would you expect this from friends and family? Why are you so hard on yourself? What is ACTUALLY going on?
Before we look more closely at the reality here, and how to overcome and thrive, it is important to look at the possible roots of perfectionism.
Start by asking yourself why you feel so strongly that things have to be “perfect”. And, again, who decides what perfect is? Who decided for you? Your partner? Your parent? Why not you? Why isn’t your voice the one that sets your expectations?
Much of this can stem from our feelings of self-worth. Often feeling like we are not worthy of a job, a friendship, or being loved, if we aren’t “perfect”. Have you experienced this? Never feeling good enough. If you have, I’m sorry. That is a very hard place to be.
And, perfectionism can also stem from comparing yourself to others. Have you done that? Maybe it sounded like “how does she manage to get it all done? What’s wrong with me"? We often put others on a pedestal of perfection, not acknowledging that the person you are idolizing is struggling just as much as you, but is scared to say it out loud for fear of “being found out” that she’s not perfect.
And for many, it was how they were raised. I’ve heard so often phrases like “we were expected to be seen and not heard (as kids)”, or “we were punished if things weren’t just-so”. Again, I am sorry if this has been your experience. What a lot of pressure for a child. And with kindness, I remind you that you’re not that child any longer. It’s time to stop telling yourself that story of “that’s how I was raised”. It is learned behaviour. And perhaps it is time to unlearn.
Honestly, friends, no one is perfect. And it is an unrealistic standard to which to hold yourself. In next week's blog, we will dig into some reality, and for now, I leave you with these steps to help discover the roots:
1) Begin to recognize the behaviours that stem from perfectionist tendencies, starting with the thoughts and feelings that trigger the behaviour. It is often the feeling of a lack of control or the pressure that you’ll disappoint people, or feeling that they’ll “find out” you’re not perfect the begins this process. And, as a result, we “nit-pick” at those around us, or we jump into hyperdrive trying to organize everything around us. (I get it-been there!!!!). Begin to notice what this looks like for you.
2) When you feel those “perfectionist tendencies” bubbling to the surface, stop yourself. Breathe. And, with interest and not judgement, ask yourself what is REALLY going on? For example, as you’re working on a project and you’re stuck in a perfectionist loop of editing, instead of pressing submit, it is often because what’s really going on is that you’re afraid of people judging the project. (By the way-fear of judgement is often disguised as “being a perfectionist”. More to come).
This is just the start of overcoming these tendencies and becoming even more awesome than you already are!
Watch for next week’s blog about the reality of perfectionism, and following that, tools to overcome and thrive as your authentic self.
And we will be discussing all of the above, and more on April 14th at 7:30 pm, in the webinar: “Overcoming Perfection Pressure: a Frank Conversation”. $5 from every registration will be donated to The Tree of Stars, a local organization working to promote mental health awareness and support addiction recovery.
Learn more and to register: https://www.deannalangfordcoaching.com/get-started/group-coaching