Is self-care masking something else?

With the self-care movement so well underway, I’ve been speaking to many people asking about what they’re doing to ensure they’re making themselves a priority.  With all of these conversations, something that is top of my mind and a bit heavy in my heart is this thought: are people using “typical” self-care activities to mask or avoid something else that they really need?  Let me explain by starting with a question.  What does your nighttime routine entail?  Specifically, what are the things you say to yourself as you wind down? Anything in there to the effect of, “wow, I need a cup of tea (wine/beer etc)?”

If I can pause for a minute to say two things:

1) There’s no judgement here.  Just my continued mission to help people live their best lives. And if what I am going to say doesn’t resonate with you, as I often say “scroll on” today and come back and check out my next blog post if you would.

2) I share my experiences with you all to help you reflect and maybe bring to light some habits that you’re choosing that just don’t serve you.  As I have gotten a bit older and a whole lot wiser, I know that if I am feeling a certain way, other people are too, and connecting with people that understand what you’re going through is a game changer.  So……onward we go…..

If the answer was “yes” to the question in the opening paragraph, consider what is at the root of your statement.  For me, the time of transition from one place to another has often felt stressful.  When I would arrive at work, and be hit with problems before I got my coat off, my response to staff was not as positive as I would want.  Or when I arrive at home to kids asking “what’s for dinner?” before my shoes were off, it would make my head spin and usually end up with me snapping at the kids.  So?  Once I became aware that this was a trigger for me, I tried to be more thoughtful on my drive to work/home, using that time to decompress before taking on my next role. 

Additionally, and most importantly, I asked for what I needed.  Now that my kids are (for the most part!) old enough to understand, I will just tell them, that I need a few minutes before diving in to the evening.  There are times of course, that there are crises and we must dive in immediately, but day to day, insist that people respect your boundaries.

So, what the heck does this have to do with tea? Great question.  In my chaotic moments mentioned above, especially the transition to my arrival home, I would often think “I need a cup of tea”.  And interestingly enough, many days I would plug in the kettle make my tea, and sip on it while doing the million other things that the evening with 2 kids in competitive hockey entails.  The result?  I still felt chaotic, frazzled and often frustrated because my tea got cold before I could drink it.  One day it occurred to me that my statement of “I need a cup of tea” had nothing to do with the tea itself, but rather I was saying, “I need a few quiet minutes to myself”.  I am what I would call an extroverted introvert.  Many people that know me from participating in my fitness classes probably don’t really understand the introverted part, but believe me, the more extroverted time I have (being in situations that are very “peopley” as my daughter would say), the more time I need to myself.  So, what I (and I think so many others) really need, is quiet time.  This has been a difference maker for me.  When my head gets too full of thoughts and to dos, or it’s been really “peopley”, I am very intentional with my time when I arrive home.  I make a cup of tea and tell my kids I need 10 mins and then I will get to our evening.  The result?  The quiet that my mind needs and the opportunity to recharge and finish a hot cup of tea.  I am a different mom on these evenings.  

Now, of course, if you have little ones, I know this is harder.  My kids are teens now, and frankly many days don’t even really care that I’ve arrived home (unless they’re hungry!).  If you have little ones, this will certainly require more creativity.  I would also hazard a guess that your kids have just gone through a transitional time as well, maybe from day care to home?  Maybe a 5 minute seat on the couch to cuddle might do it?  You’ll find what works. 

There is one more thing that sits in my heart and causes me concern in this area.  The number of people that I hear say “I need a glass of wine”.  Again, please know, no judgement-this is concern.  Sure, it’s often said as a joke, but I feel that more and more often there is something underlying this statement.  I really think the number of moms that are coping with their days through alcohol is on the rise, and I am so concerned.  If you turn to a glass of wine to decompress and cope with the stress of being a mom, you need support.  Being a parent is hard, and often lonely.  Reach out.  Other moms get it.  And if they don’t get it and they don’t support you, they don’t belong in your squad.  Find new friends.  Seriously-that’s NOT a joke.  And, find professionals that can support you.  No one does this alone-you got this mom!  I know you can do it!

For me, my experience in this area was that I often would end hectic days sitting down with a beer (as I am not a wine drinker) and chat with my husband.  As I became more aware of trying to improve all aspects of my health, I came to realize, having a beer or two at night still impacted me the next morning.  Why?  I would never sleep as well.  Lots of research speaks to how alcohol interferes with our sleep.  Also, I would wake feeling really dehydrated and just, well, fuzzy.  So, what occurred to me was (this was around the above discovery of the tea issue) that the routine in the evening wasn’t even about the beer.  It was about the fact that I needed time to decompress, and I had made a habit of having a beer as part of that decompression.  Yikes!  That needed to change, immediately.  So, I became very intentional with the evenings, ensuring I had time to decompress with a decaf cup of tea or a book.  Game changer.  I felt so much better in the mornings, even with this one little change. 

And as I began to become more aware of the language around the “need” for alcohol, I feel that we must consider reviewing the habits around drinking.  Why does it have to be part of social situations? Why do so many holiday parties and vacations have to revolve around alcohol?  Who of our friends are we eliminating from our social events with the inclusion (and often expectation of) drinking?  

And let me say as you are reading this, there may be other thoughts arising here about dependence on alcohol.  I think very easily this can become something that is not a simple change like I mentioned above.  If this is the case you for, please reach out and get the support that you need.  You’re worth it.

If your mind is racing with many thoughts about the above, but you’re not sure where to begin, drop me a note and let’s connect. I can help.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking this time to read this.  I know this was a long one today! 

I encourage you to think about and ask for what you need.  You’re the only one that is going to take care of you, so put as much effort in to that as you do in to caring for others.

With love and kindness,

Deanna